I spend a lot of time in my head processing day-to-day information through scenes in my head. Most of my story ideas come from things I’ve read, songs I’ve heard, moods I’ve been in…But I have a serious confession to make: I get powerfully uncomfortable writing erotic scenes. I can write murder, slaughter, rampage, serial killers, sociopaths; but, challenge me to describe undergarments and I’m giggling and blubbering like an 8th grader. Don’t get me wrong; I have two children conceived in the most “We weren’t not trying to conceive” ways and I have no problem with intimacy in my regular life. I just get all weird writing down sexy-time frolicks.
I know lots of other writers have stories or topics that they want to cover that might make them feel uncomfortable in certain ways. Perhaps the topic is gruesome, or deals with racism, or perhaps there is sexual violence involved that is difficult to discuss on either a personal or professional level. What is a writer to do?
Well, the first thing I recommend is research. When writing about a topic or, perhaps, developing a character with characteristics that are different or unfamiliar, it’s best not to avoid them. Read up on how other writers in the industry discuss a topic. The atrocities of war crimes are covered in a myriad of ways depending on the perspective of the writers covering the topic. Some find themselves struggling with the brutality, or the legality, or the overt-ness of the crimes; reality can be bitter and cruel. In these cases, I think the truth is the best, with omission left for respect to survivors and victims of crimes. If a character has a lifestyle, gender, or culture that is foreign to you but you want to write about them, being sensitive and respectful is easiest when you have done your homework. Knowing the terminology, even some colloquialisms will go a long way to helping bridge the anxiety closed between your personal knowledge and a responsible embodiment of your character development.
Second, read. This can go hand-in-hand with research, but check out how other writers are writing on that topic. For example, I have a couple of story ideas rolling around in my head that would have erotic scenes. So, I’ve went ahead and read some books that have erotic scenes in them and taken note about what kind of language is used, how it’s used, when it’s used, and what verbiage I don’t like for myself. This lets me sample the topic without having to invent too much in it myself other than some minor second-hand embarrassment; I simply keep what I like and disregard what I don’t. I can practice what I like together and identify what sounds rough or wrong for me.
Next, I practice the language I intend to use. I write a practice scene or I start working on a story and see how the tone and language define which words sound appropriate. I will note here that just because you like the words better doesn’t mean your editors, readers, or reviewers will. We all have our own opinions, writing styles, and thoughts on genre, scenes and characters; it’s up to the writer whether the language they are comfortable with using will be sufficient for the topic at the end of the day.
Here is where I provide an embarrassing example: I was trying out a story with some erotic scenes in it and struggled to describe the undergarments of my main character because I’m an immature little baby that squirms when I hear, read or see the word panties. Because of the specific type and textile I imagined the character had, I chose the phrase intimate lace to describe what she was wearing; I thought it was appropriate, I didn’t feel so cringe-y reading it and I thought it described what she was wearing in an elegant way. My critique partner, however, could. not. let. IT. GO. She laughed at me for 30 minutes and told me it broke her out of the story; the description actually made her cringe. This is a HUGE indication to me that maybe I need to rethink the lacy thong the character is wearing, or just rethink the way I describe it.
Lastly, I think a good way to take the cringe out of some of the things we write is to be open for critique. It’s hard to be told our word choices are poor or inappropriate; but it’s better to have the chance to edit it first than to let a moment fueled by i-just-want-this-scene-to-be-over to spoil the hard work you have put into character development, a scene, or the larger plot of a story. Also, it puts that practice to good use and gives you additional avenues for language usage you may not have had if a beta reader or critique partner hadn’t made a note.
I’m still working on that story, by the way; it’s one of the ones I had started with a NaNoWriMo word challenge and I’d love to finish it soon. I have other novels I’d rather finish first, so to the shelf it goes for now. I hope when I get back to it, the scenes that were so hard to write feel better, or that, at least in the edit, I’ll be able to clean them up and make them less gross to me.
One thing I think that keeps writing exciting is a willingness to push the levels of my own comfort. It forces me to be mindful of the full-bodied experience of my characters, research topics outside of my comfort zone, and helps me to develop as both a writer and as a person. Thinking outside of the four walls of our writing space can be cause for inspiration in and of itself.
What are your thoughts on writing scenes that make you uncomfortable? Have any tried-and-true methods of getting over the hump? As always, thanks again for reading!
–V. Raylean
A Portly Bard's Stage 