Oh man, have I been slacking on this blog!
I feel terrible about it, to be honest. I would open the page, go back to the draft I’ve been working on this whole time and then three sentences in just completely lose steam. The funny thing is, it’s not the writing I’m fatigued from; it’s everything else. From the lack of sleep, the constant drain of emotional labor being a stay-at-home-mom-and-teacher-and-wife, to the baby who absolutely refuses to be put down-how-dare-you-put-me-down-time-to-scream-like-I’ve-been-abandoned, to the U.S. election (glad it’s over?????), there have been so many things to drain me creatively and psychically.
In recognizing that I was burnt out, it was dawning on me that my downtime was impacted as well; my normal activities I use to recharge weren’t quite filling the tank the way they used to, I lost energy to make Christmas gifts and work on my novel, the later of which had a goal of initial completion at the end of this year. There is a really good chance it’s not going to happen for me again this year. Honestly, that’s okay, albeit frustrating. Sometimes, in order to move forward, we need to take inventory of the rocks at our feet and do a quick evaluation of the things holding us back and recalibrate.
That’s exactly what I did. I looked at my feet to see what I was tripping on and was a bit surprised to find there were dozens of tiny rocks catching my feet and getting in my way. Decisions needed to be made and I had to suck it up and be realistic about my expectations. The first thing I did was commit to a one-month break in writing my novel to work on a little passion project to give my mind other things to do and think about. Writing is still involved, of course; I’m translating an old D&D campaign into a Role-Playing Game (RPG) using a program call RPG Maker XV ACE. It’s been easy and fun, and since there is a more immediate turn-around on completion aspects to the game, it has soothed the ego a bit more than the novel has in a bit. This helped in multiple ways I wasn’t expecting; it brought me closer to my old players, who were incredibly supportive about the project, and gave me enough space from the novel to be able to rethink ideas and come up with some really exciting dialogue (which really makes me want to write in general as well as on the novel itself).
Second, I sat down with my husband and we laid out expectations for my household role moving forward. I couldn’t sustain the amount of work it was taking just to keep the house tidy on a daily basis along with other tasks since everyone spends their entire day, every day here in the house. Dishes, garbage and wrappers that used to be disposed of, cleaned or left at work were now filling the house’s main rooms at a rate faster than I could keep up with, leaving me exhausted and resentful at the end of each day. Anyone who says that being a stay-at-home mom is easy never did it, especially with young children. I found out from my Aunt recently that even my Grandma had a Saturday Day Off, and she was that legendary 50s mother of 4 children, all 2 years apart. Explains some of the smoking she did, methinks.
Now, with the writing expectations modified and my household workload adjusted and communicated, the last thing I needed to deal with was my own pressure to “succeed”. I have been working since 16, and in the 20 years I’ve been employed, I never felt that I got to truly work and enjoy the fruits of my labor. All the benefits of my work went to someone else, with the little scraps of money they would float my way being the ‘thank you’ I got. It’s made me severely jaded regarding capitalism as a whole. Just because you work super hard, and put in all the hours and create wonders for people, you aren’t going to necessarily be rewarded for the effort. I’ve seen people who pride themselves on mediocrity get promotions over the hardest working members of a team…Let’s just say that this leaves a bitter taste in my mouth regarding a return to the workforce. This puts added pressure on completing my novel and getting the other stories I want to put to paper and give a chance to live. If I want to write full time and be a novelist, I have so much pressure and it’s a massively competitive field. Besides, luck has so much to do with it…
BUT I DIGRESS. I don’t need to “succeed” all the time, especially since I can’t really define when enough would be enough for me. I needed to change the scale I was measuring with and to do that, all I had to do was look to my children. Success to them is joy, a day was good because fun things happened or because they jumped in the leaves, or made big bubbles in the tub. As much as this COVID pandemic has been stressful and insane, I would never give this time with my children back for anything. I missed a lot from my first child because we had him in day care at 6-8 weeks old. I’ve been home for everything with my 10 month old and I’ve been there to help foster relationships between my children, playing with them, creating songs and inside jokes that melt my heart, and giving me the chance to be the mother I always wished I had.
I was watching one of my newest favorite content creators, Cathy Hay, when she posted this video yesterday:
GUESS WHAT: SHE’S RIGHT. So whether you are 12 days behind on NaNoWriMo this year, you are 4 weeks behind on your blog (sorry), have projects stacked to the ceiling, JUST GET STARTED. Just do it! The best part about writing is the way we can improve our craft by just doing more of it. (As a side note, I recommend watching Cathy’s videos about the Peacock Dress here.) Acknowledging that you are tired and feeling broken down is the first step to solving your issue, even if the issue is to stop resisting, stop trying so darn hard all the time.
So, I’m letting the novel simmer on low for this month and I’m working on the game instead for NaNoWriMo. I’m not working outside of my wheelhouse and I’m not picking up after adults. Because I’m finally sleeping well again and I need it for my health and well-being.
Take care of yourselves, out there. ❤
–V. Raylean
A Portly Bard's Stage 
I totally agree that half-assed is better than no ass, contrary to the other school of thought that if you wanna do something, you better do it right.
It’s like a David Goggins clip that I remember, when he had people coming up to him asking him about his full workout schedule, and how he rested, and what he ate, even before they went out on their first run. No, you just go out and do it, then the rest will come.
Anyway, sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Wishing you all the best!
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Thank you so much! I think the isolation and lifestyle changes were starting to get to me. The good news is, sometimes it’s a matter of perspective or mental housecleaning to get one back on one’s feet! Hope you are doing well and staying safe!
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